Two Niños

From infertility to two babes at once, this is my life…

Archive for the ‘Mom’ Category

So, so

Posted by Mel on July 5, 2007

I’m so bored, so lonely, yet I don’t feel like doing anything. I seem to be severely lacking in the energy department as of late. And when I don’t have deadlines looming before me, it is even worse. I’ve always been this way to a degree – I function much better when I am busy and have hard commitments – but it has gotten way out of hand. The energy problem is a bit confusing – I can’t tell for sure if it is a) physiological b) mental or c) just laziness. I think it is probably a combination of the three, weighing a little more heavily on the a and b side.

But, back to the bored and lonely. Alex left for work today (meaning he got up at 4am to catch a flight to his client site) and he won’t be back until next Thursday. Aaaggghh. That is really no good. He normally travels Monday morning through Thursday evening, but they are having problems with his project, they really need him over the weekend, blah, blah, blah. Bottom line – I’m here alone with two (almost) one-year old twins for seven days straight – in the midst of trying to get our new house ready to move into, get all of our crap packed and ready to move from our rental, and plan some sort of birthday shindig for the babies. And yes, all of that sucks, but I do have help from my family which makes it doable. But the bored and lonely, they can’t really help with. I miss having my husband around in the evenings. And I’m too tired at the end of the day to really do anything productive. And I don’t have cable so there isn’t much in the way of mind-numbing tv to while away the time. Man, I’m whiney. Poor, poor me.

But I really do miss my husband. Him travelling is hard and the jury is still out on whether or not this is doable long-term. I like the benefits that come with this job – we get to do some travelling by combining his work trips with personal ones (defrays some costs since he is there for work), he is home for three days out of the week and actually gets to be with us for those three days (he is officially working from home on Fridays, but it is very flexible so he helps during the day), and we get to live in my hometown, with all of my family around. These are big benefits for us and are worth this travelling situation, so far. But really, the hardest thing for me at this point is not having him here for me. Yes, it would be nice to have him here to help with the babies in the evenings, but that is manageable and not too bad, really. Mainly, I miss his company and our interaction. I miss us.

So off I go to try to entertain myself until I’ve wound down enough to go to bed. Endless google searches, here I come…

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All at once

Posted by Mel on June 26, 2007

The babies are kicking my ass at night.  Which is nice, because all other aspects of my life are stressful right now, so bedtime getting harder reaalllly helps.  Yeah.

So here’s the thing.  During the week, I am home with the babies by myself.  My husband travels for work….every week.  I know, why in sam hell would we do this to ourselves?  It was the only way we could move back to my hometown and be near family, which we desperately needed after the babies came.  Alex being gone during the week is obviously a huge tradeoff to accomplish the above, but his job also affords us opportunities to travel, which is really important to us too.  But, back to the original point, I am here by myself during the week (Monday morning to Thursday night) and it is hard.  I do have help from my family (mainly my mom) – so that makes it doable – but it’s still hard to not have your partner around, to help with the kids, to talk to, to keep you company.  So basically, any given week is in and of itself a bit stressful with him gone.

Well, lately has been even better – we are 1) buying a new house here (we had a contract on our house where we came from, but it fell through…so we are buying this new house AND keeping the old one) 2) trying to organize having our furniture moved from old house to new one, including a garage sale to dump old stuff  3) Alex is on a very crappy project right now and is barely able to call me at night, much less come home when he’s supposed to, so I am going to have to do alot of this move by myself.

So, I’ve been a little stressed out.  It’s weird how things like this always seem to happen at the same time.  The babies must have already inherited my sick sense of humor and have decided to play a little trick on mama with their bedtime antics.  If I wasn’t so tired, I’d be kinda proud of them…

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Back to normal

Posted by Mel on June 20, 2007

When you become a parent, your life changes. Duh, right? It is hard to understand before you have kids just how and to what magnitude your life will change, but suffice to say that your life is forever altered. I was intellectually prepared for this change leading up to the arrival of our twins, but it is impossible to trully prepare. To just be aware that major change is coming I think is the best you can really do. That said, even though I was ‘aware’, it still took me quite a few months to absorb the true nature of the pervasive change my life was undergoing. I always felt like my life was on hold throughout our fertility treatments and then still to a certain extent during my pregnancy. That was probably exacerbated by the fact that I was on some sort of bedrest pretty much my entire pregnancy. Life was whack. So in my mind, I kept thinking I would be back to ‘normal’ after the babies came. I knew life would be very different, but I thought I would be able to get back to ‘normal’. After the babies came, I struggled for a while trying to figure out why I couldn’t seem to find that normal state in my life. Sure, I was able to do some things again (um, like actually walk or sleep or make my own food) but normal never really seemed to present itself. It was weird. I was the same person, yet I wasn’t. I was fundamentally changed and I didn’t quite realize that. I guess I kind of thought I would be me, just me with two babies. Ah, yeah.

Well, I finally realized that I was going to have to figure out a new ‘normal’ for me. When I realized and accepted that, it became much easier. I embraced my new ‘casual’ wardrobe, my lack of showers, and my unsettled, crazy days. I gradually let go of my tv addictions (though I do still miss some of them) and had to do alot of growing up regarding utilizing time wisely with my husband. We no longer have the luxury of allowing fights to occur over trivial things. And it is really cleansing to let go of some of the silly things that used to matter to me that just don’t anymore. Your focus shifts and it feels good to have something more important than YOU to worry about. I appreciate things more now and I think I’m becoming a better person.

So, I guess I am getting back to normal…and this new normal is kind of working for me.

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My little ones

Posted by Mel on June 19, 2007

Over the last couple of weeks, D has become quite a little chatter box. He will attempt many words (as long as they are simple) that you speak to him. Here are the words he is ‘saying’ now (some only once, but he said them!):

– dada – this is by far his favorite word. It is used as a noun, verb, adjective, etc. and it works really great in all situations. He does, however, know that dada is Daddy.

– daddy – a variation on dada but much less utilized

– mama – reserved for moments of deep concentration or agitation. I’m not quite sure he really knows who mama is, but I believe in my heart.

– dog – pronounced “dod” or “dah” – he knows what a dog is. Should I be offended? He loves dogs.

– Uh oh – pronounced “UH…o” (sometimes without the o). But he does say this at appropriate times usually. Like when he hurls his spoon over the side of the high chair…UH…o.

– grandma – prounounced “nannaw”. He certainly knows who grandma is and when you ask him ‘where’s grandma’ he immediately looks to the door or window (if she’s not here).

– hi – prounounced “iiiiiiiii” with the exact intonation that I use when I say it to them. It is a bit freaky that they can mimic you so precisely. I better start watching the @#$#$L’s.

– bye bye – this is a new one. He repeats it, but I don’t think he has said it spontaneously yet when waving bye bye.

– no no – this is a new one too. He is very precise about rounding his lips to get the ‘o’ of no out. Um, maybe he’s heard me say this one too many times?

He has also attempted a few more (like please, more, and thank you) but they have not been said well or often enough to count yet. But it is fun. He is progressing by leaps and bounds and it is amazing to watch.

E is not quite as chatty as D yet, but she has started mimicking alot. Here are some of the funny things she is doing now:

– when you say ‘are you gonna be 1’ and hold up one finger, she will hold up her first finger and smile really big.

– when you are doing the above, if you bend your finger up and down, she will do it back to you.

– if you say ‘no, no’ and shake your finger accordingly, she will start shaking her finger back at you. Today, she was spitting her food at me for like 15 minutes during lunch. I told her ‘no, no’ and shook my finger (somewhat playfully). She started mimicking me, which makes it very hard to be stern, and D started saying ‘no, no’. It was pretty darn funny.

– this one is hard to describe, but if you stick your tongue in and out of your mouth and make noises while you are doing it, she will do the same right back. This one has provided me endless opportunities for laughter. It is just hilarious.

It is fun lately, watching them learn and change. They are definitely developing their own personalities and temperaments. We have had a few (albeit short-lived) temper tantrums already – arched backs and everything. As everyone always says to me (and boy do I love these nuggets of wisdom) – “just wait until they start doing – [insert next developmental milestone here] you are going to have your hands full!!” Um yes, I will – but I’m getting pretty good at juggling.

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What a day

Posted by Mel on June 4, 2007

I have a hard time with unpredictable. I like routines and schedules and I’m the queen of anticipation. I’ve tried to infuse my parenting with routines, schedules, and anticipation (to a reasonable degree) and slowly, but surely, we’ve settled into some pretty good rhythms. As any parent of twins will tell you, the schedule is key. For some moms this may be really annoying, having to feed them on a schedule vs when they tell you they are hungry, etc. But for me, it is very comforting to have a schedule. I like knowing what to expect and when. Over the months our schedule has relaxed into more of a routine, which is still fine. We don’t stick to hard times anymore, but we have a routine flow to our day and the babies know what to expect and so do I.

Now here is the big BUT – it seems like just when we settle into a very workable, highly functional routine, something changes. Just when I think I’ve figured out how to handle certain behaviors and what certain actions mean, something new comes up. These changes were pretty often and pretty major early on. For example, the feeding schedules, the napping schedules, etc. As the babies have gotten older, the magnitude of these changes has lessened. Now they are mostly smaller shifts in their behavior or needs – but still can be disruptive when they happen. This is a very tough part of parenting for me. I can’t recount how many times I’ve said ‘but they didn’t do this yesterday, something must be wrong’. I’ve finally started to learn that they are ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS and are never going to be completely predictable. Just because they drank all of their milk at lunch yesterday does not mean they are going to today. Even when the day has been exactly the same as yesterday. Regardless of how much their environment is regulated, there are going to be unexpected or unanticipated reactions or behaviors. But still – it’s hard for me. Something I’ve never been good at, so a big (forced) learning experience. I’m slowly but surely learning to roll with the punches a little better.

BUT THEN, you have a day like today. Where all hell breaks loose. Things can be rolling along fine for days, weeks, possibly even a couple of months and then you have one of these days. You know, where one baby won’t nap – and when they finally try to, the other wakes up. Where you have eight million things to do during naptime that are really important and time sensitive. Where bedtime, which has been very predictable for a really long time suddenly doesn’t work so well anymore. These days are rough. The sheer occurrance of a day like this is bad enough, but the really bad part is the fear that now all days are going to be like today. The fear of regression can drive you crazy. Sure, a bad day can be just that – A bad day. But, it could also mean that bedtime is going to suck from now on. And I think that is the most stressful part to me – the fear of regression. It generally turns out to be unfounded, but it sure can wreak havoc on my mind.

But, I’m tired, so thoughts of regression be damned. I’m looking forward to tomorrow being a better day…

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Gotta do better

Posted by Mel on May 30, 2007

We are in the process of selling our house. We’ve had it on the market since early January and have just received our first offer in the last few days. I know, I know – why in hell would we put our house on the market now, especially in early January?? Well, we moved out of town and we had to. Soooo, we knew it would be a marathon, but it still sucks. And the negotiations on this offer we received have been quite strange and anxiety provoking. See, they offered, we countered, they stalled, stalled, and stalled….communicated that they may decide on a different house…and then finally submitted a counter offer. For not much more than the original offer. This all occurred over the span of about 5 days – a bit stressful. We really are ready to sell this house. We aren’t in a bad financial situation, thank goodness, but we are ready. We are renting a tiny place from my uncle right now and its just time.

Now, to the meat of the matter. We finally got their counter offer today. Like I said, it is low and almost insulting, but we are ready to be done. So Alex and I had to discuss and decide whether to accept the offer or not. He called me to talk while I was feeding the babies. So I’m feeding them, have the phone on speaker talking to him, and dealing with fussing and him saying ‘I can’t hear you’ about a million times. He was being annoying, I was frazzled and already anxious about this whole matter, and I lost my patience. I raised my voice at him….and made my baby boy cry. He was scared by my yelling. Ugh – I’m so ashamed.

Alex and I are, let’s just say, passionate in our communication style with each other. He talks loud, I yell at him sometimes, and it is just how we do things. It is certainly not the healthiest, but not a huge deal for us either. It’s just always been that way. But now, it can be no more. We’ve both been making a conscious effort not to raise our voices in front of the babies, but today really hit home. I NEVER want my babies to feel fear caused by me. I NEVER want them to feel insecure in their own home. It broke my heart. There is nothing like tears rolling down your baby’s face to inspire you to do better.

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My first Mother’s Day

Posted by Mel on May 13, 2007

It’s my first Mother’s Day. I have come to realize over the years that I am not a very sentimental person. I feel things, for sure, and I am most definitely emotional, but I just don’t do the sentimental thing too terrribly much. We don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, don’t really buy gifts for holidays, birthdays are not a huge deal, etc.

However, I’m feeling alot about Mother’s Day. For a couple of reasons, I think. First, we waited so long and fought so hard to become parents. It was a very long, three year emotional roller coaster, and not the fun kind. My heart broke at least 36 times over that three years and every time I thought I couldn’t handle another crushing blow, one was delivered and my only option was to figure out a way to handle it. It was hard and it still makes me sad to think about it.

And my second reason for feeling emotional about Mother’s Day is that I realize now just what it is to be a Mom. And Mom’s deserve this day so much. It is harder and more challenging that one can ever imagine. You can never be prepared for this huge job. There are so many things wrapped up into being a Mom – enormous responsibility caring for and shaping these new beings, love so massive that its hard to express, self reflection that is very hard at times, and a huge desire to BE BETTER.

My heart is so full today. I have the two most beautiful babies one could ever dream of having and they are my soul. I love them with all of my heart and I am so proud to be their mother.

Happy Mother’s Day.

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